DONT WASTE YOUR TIME reading this stupid column because I really don‘t have anything to say and besides, you have exams to study for, but since you’re going to insist on subjecting yourself to this, I’ll make one small concession and try to make it worth your while. So boys and girls, ladies and gentlemen, friends, Romans, countrymen, and you little ManMohan, this weeks column will be dedicated to the fine art of exam evasion or how to get it together after a semester of cutting class.
First and foremost, scope out the test type. If it is a standardized multiple-choice type, the odds are in your favour. Actually the people who decide whether the answer will be a, b, c, d or e are all frustrated artists who couldn’t get a job anywhere, therefore they are extremely conscious of the pattern the letters create. There are two types that create the patterns!
First you have the linear-conscious types or “purists.” They believe that when all the correct answers are in place, the black marks will create a linear pattern that will stand on its own! The second variety are picture conscious or “impurists”. Their belief is that after you finish, you should be able to connect all the dots and get a picture of Mickey Mouse or Kapil Sibal.
To discover which type test you will be taking, merely set up an appointment with your examiner and carry on a casual conversation something like this:
“Hello Mr. ………….., I was just thinking about Quadrilateral Rhomboids the other day…. ”
If he shows no reaction, try “While I was playing with my connect the dots book the other day, I came up with the cutest picture of Daffy Duck … ”
He’s bound to give some sign, maybe a grin of acknowledgement or a guilty look – it varies from person to person. but using a little wit, you’ll be able to narrow down to a type. Then confidently walk to the exam hall with that all knowing look!!
If the test is the one with fill-ins, the process is a little more complicated. For those, the answers are specially coded in the question.
Finally, if it’s an essay test, you can go out to DeeTee the night before, ’cause they’re the easiest to cope with. Simply take your dictionary to class if that’s allowed or use your resourcefulness of the language to compose essays like this:
Q. Discuss the implications of the quality of construction of 1864 on the stress imposed by the current noise levels on a brick and mortar building.
A. The existential implications inhibiting the entire noise entities elsewhere and here especially existing stress levels entire environmental expectations; essentially exceptionally eccentric engineers ever eagerly evaluating evacuated elementary education elevators elongated elliptically, ever so often only orphaned ornery orthodox orators often operating onomatopoeic onslaughts of ornate opulent oracles.
This will certainly get any teacher for it will give him such a headache figuring out what you are trying to say, he’ll give up on the paper, figure at least you know what you’re saying, and give you an A.
If for some reason you don’t get the type of test discussed, or at the last minute choke and forget what Donald Duck looks like, simply take a print out of this article to your teacher during the exam.
After reading it he will surely leave the room to be sick in private. then, using all your stealth and wit, grab your pencil with determination and CHEAT!
Please Note: The author wrote this article in a state of perpetual mental imbalance and cannot be held responsible if any harm is caused by following the instructions above.