The Art of the Break-Up

Now, the art of the pick-up is not as important as the art of the break-up. After all, it is so easy to pick up women. Yes, you can use your cheesy pick-up line. Heck, if you go to a bar at closing time, you can just approach a girl and tell her, “C’mon. Let’s go [point to your watch]. I haven’t got all day.” You try this on enough girls, and at least one stupid chick will go home with you.”

The One-Night Stand Break-Up:

The big problem occurs when you wake up the next morning and see her lying there. Rather than wondering how she got there, you should be figuring out how to get rid of this gal. While I have done the whole “It’s been fun, have a nice life. Now get the hell out of my bed.” speech at least three or four times, it is best to do it like a man. Yeah, she’s a skank for sleeping with you. But you don’t want to ruin it for yourself in case this skank is available in the future for your dry spells. So what you should do is this. Step One: Make breakfast for both of you. Step Two: Explain to her that you had a great time. It was fun and sweet. Step Three: Tell her that you hope to run into her again in the near future. The key is Step Three. Don’t say, “I’ll call you.” Sometimes, the girl wanted the booty call as much as you so don’t make this a freakin’ sentimental journey and, for God sakes, don’t turn into the Horse Whisperer. Just remind her that this was a one-time thing.

The Casual Date Break-Up:
Now, let’s say that you have gone on a few dates. In fact, she stayed for breakfast and lunch after you hooked up. But somehow, she doesn’t look as good when you’re sober. Plus, she chews with her mouth open, she has cellulite, her laugh is borderline psychotic, or whatever. All you know is that you just cannot stand this girl anymore. Normally, the protocol would dictate that you break up in person. But if you haven’t exchanged Christmas gifts and your weekends aren’t “couples time,” you can do what I do. Email her a break up letter.
For your benefit, here’s a standard email that you can use.

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: I had a great time with you.

Dear XXXX, [preferably you know her name by now]

This is difficult to say. In fact, I should be telling this to you in person but my cell phone died, I forgot to pay my home phone bills, and my car broke down. So I bear this news to you by this email (for that, I am truly, deeply sorry).
I have to let you know that these past weeks [whatever the duration] with you have been wonderful. I just enjoyed getting to know you better and the memories that we shared, especially on the kitchen floor. That’ll always be our cherished secret. But now I believe that we’re at a crossroads. We should either go our separate ways or pursue a full relationship. And we both know that I am not the right person for you for the long haul.
Believe me, this realization is as tough on me as it must be for you. But deep down inside, you and I both know that this is the right thing to do. I don’t want to prevent you from being emotionally available for that lucky guy who is just dying to spend all of his waking moments with you.
Please do not try to get in touch with me as the memory of our time together is still too fresh on my mind. I am liable to break down and want to pursue something that isn’t there. So please please do not call me or email me. If you do, I will not pick up the phone. You would only make this more difficult for me. Yes, I’ll want to hear your sweet voice or share the special moments together, but we both know that this is for the best.

With fondest memories,

Alan Smithee (for God sakes, use your name)

 Girlfriend Break-Up:
As long as you haven’t met her parents or she hasn’t met yours, you can use the email for even the most serious of relationships. But let’s just say that you are now stuck with this girl who spends every freaking moment with you. If she has her tampons in your medicine cabinet, she is no longer a casual date but a serious girlfriend. So here’s how you break up with the tampon girl.
In all likelihood, you are going to have to do the whole email thing, but in person. But you have to plan for it in advance. And the best break-up situation is if you can avoid the whole conversation by managing to get dumped. Because if you dump her, you are scum. But if you get dumped, you are the hopeless romantic who got jilted (wink, wink). Plus, this probably means that you are allowed to date other people before she can. And you are entitled to that one last “have a nice life, but let’s do it one last time” sex.
To get dumped, you need to develop a two-month strategy. When possible, stop shaving all together. Start farting in her presence. Leave the toilet seat up. Don’t brush your teeth at night. Basically, you want to become a total slob. Plus, you want to start showing up an hour or two late for every dinner, make rude comments in front of her friends, etc. Pretty soon, she’ll be dying to break up with you.
If you happen to have a psychotic girlfriend who won’t leave you despite all of your efforts, you need to do some last ditch efforts. First, nag her about doing a threesome. Usually, that turns them off so much that they’ll leave you. Or they might just do it, in which case your girlfriend is a keeper. Second, tell her that you’re planning for a new job. Go on fake job interviews. Let her know that your life is moving forward and hint that she has no place in it. Better yet, get a really crappy job even if it’s for a week.Conclusion:
Try these three stages of break-up. If none of these work and you manage to get engaged somehow, wait for my upcoming article titled, “How to dump your fiancée.”

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