Dear Diary,
It is getting hard to keep up with you these days with so many things going on. I had to deal with this whole situation when Commander Denniston was trying to shut my machine, it was really exhausting. Why doesn’t he understand that whatever I’m doing is far beyond his capabilities of intellectual understanding? He’s so damn annoying. Also, I broke off my engagement with Joan, it actually went pretty well. Apparently, she already had an intuition about my sexual orientation, which vastly helps the situation.
Anyways the biggest news of all is that I finally did it, I cracked Enigma. I mean, of course, I knew that I would do it but undeniably, this feeling is marvelous. But a part of me sure as hell feels shameful and in some sense scandalous for what will happen after this. The emotions that the team portrayed, regarding the superior’s decision of not acting upon all information received from the machine, really does give me a clear indication. The outside world will think that we are wicked and probably even assume that I as the head might be behind this and I might as well be the Soviet Union Spy. Hopefully, they do understand that this decision was taken to precisely hiding the fact that we have cracked Enigma, and if this vital information leaks out, bloody hell, it will take no time for the Germans to change the entire design of the machine and we will lose the whole damn war.
I feel that this machine does answer the question that has bothered me for my entire life. That would be the precise nature of consciousness and its linkage with the matter, and that leads to the concept of the mind behaving like a machine and further leads to the main point of how machines are not so different from human brains. Human preferences deliver on the backing of what the brain likes or thinks is right and subsequently discards the opposite of that as absurd or disgusting. This doesn’t mean the person is right or wrong so why not look at machines in that way and consider themselves as man-made brains obviously with mathematical logic and therefore their preferences. I am delighted that this machine stands as a testament to this exact concept and of course to me this concept has humongous growth.
But now, I have cracked the most difficult crossword of my life. Combine that with calculus and probability and solemnly with the decisiveness of who lives and who dies we will most probably succeed in helping my country win the war.
So what’s next for me?
The broader picture looks as if I should continue modifying Bombe as it exhibits endless limits and honestly this is just a foretaste of what is to come and only the shadow of what is going to be. But there can be a situation where I might face charges for a criminal offense. I say that adhering to the fact that people have discovered that I am a homosexual. God, that makes me so vulnerable at times and exposes my work and my machine to go in vain. I mean Joan gave me an unsurprising look the other day when I told her about it. But everyone isn’t her, especially in this country, I should be ready for a damn thing in this country. It’s so ironic that the country I am saving will probably imprison me someday.
Sometimes I wonder why I am not a normal human being with a normal life. Is it an abnormality or sinful to be homosexual? Do I not deserve love in my way or is my way of loving counted as something so absurd? Love is very subjective in my opinion and there should be laws to back this up. Funny thing this feeling can be, it’s sometimes even difficult to convey your love to someone or something because you fear the way the other person and simultaneously the outside world will judge you and regard your love and loyalty as gibberish. You can take something as simple as puzzles or the fact that I’m homosexual to prove my point.
I sometimes wonder if Christopher was present at this moment, how he would react to me cracking such a stubborn code. He sure as hell would have been proud. But one thing is for sure I wouldn’t have been where I am today without him. He is the only person who truly understood the humanistic aspect of me. I miss you, my friend.
Anyways, even though we have cracked the codes, the war is far from done. From now onwards my main aim would be to not let the Germans know that their days are being numbered. Work is still left at Bletchley. And I’m sure up for it, just want to finish this job with uttermost sincerity even though emotionally, it is getting harder day by day. Just hoping for the best in the near future.
Good night, you.
About the Author: Piyush Nahar is a first-year student at Manipal Institute of Technology.
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