The Name's Bond....an English Bond!

So a few days ago, UK let it be publicly known that they would be charging a bond, to the tune of 3000 pounds (about ₹2.7 lakh) if you want to take a quick visit to their nation. This was to curb the number of illegal immigrants in the country, so that if you feel too lazy to leave, you may as well forfeit the cash. It seems pretty logical from an administrative point of view, considering the fact that some ‘high risk’ countries were to be the only ones to face the brunt of this decision, not all, and if you leave within your stimulated time limit you’ll get back your money (what with it being a bond and all). But it does seem a little harsh from a public perspective seeing that it is almost given that the high risk countries being considered will probably be a few developing countries, hence a nice trip to the English Empire just got that much more expensive for people looking for a vacation. So here are a few nifty tips to try and get you around the whole situation in case you still harbour the notion of going there.

1. Challenge them to a game of cricket – You’ve seen Lagaan. No?

“Hum jeetein to teen saal ke liye bond maaf, nahi toh teen guna bond. Bolo manzoor hai?”

Don’t worry about getting the team though. All you’ll need to do is to get go over to Mumbai, catch hold of a bookie, and go through his address book. It’ll have enough cricketers’ numbers to make an entire team. And carry a towel with you just in case. If all else fails:

“The only man Sir you’ll need in your team”

2. Act shady – Get yourself on a plane to Britain. When signing your visa at the airport, wear a mask over your head, whip out you phone and start taking orders.

“Nothing screams tourist like a mask to the head”

Then go over to one of the authorities and ask him about the most crowded areas of the city, and ask him for directions to places to go buy knives and guns.

“Because, you know, you’re a connoisseur of knives and stuff”

It’ll take them all of 3 seconds for them to forget about the bond. In fact they’ll personally escort you around the city. And keep you there for longer than you want with free food and lodging. And the occasional tour to the court house and what not. You’ll be amazed at how courteous they are and all for absolutely no price at all.

3. Declare yourself to be of national importance to India – The whole point being that Britishers love items of Indian importance. They keep it, treasure it and basically take ownership of it. Even sometimes against the original owner’s will. The Kohinoor Diamond rings a bell? What about the Sultanganj Buddha?

“Don’t worry I’m just borrowing your stuff. Forever! Without telling you.”

So basically the plan is this. Walk into a museum in Britain, preferably dressed as a statue, and carefully outline to them how you are actually of great historic importance to India. If Bunty and Babli could convince a couple of foreigners that the Taj was for sale, how difficult should this be. Right?“Impossible you say? Hrithik in Dhoom 2! I rest my case.”

Anyways all in all, this should guarantee you a lifetime in UK. In a museum no less. I bet you always wanted to stay in a museum.

4. Change your nationality – See it’s not as difficult as it sounds. You have a few options like-

Put yourself up for adoption: Jolie recently stated that she wants 2 more kids. And what with a mastectomy and all I don’t suppose she can raise a child since she can’t breast feed anymore. She’ll probably want a fully grown up child. That’s where you come in. Put on your best laachaar expression and send out photos to her. Adoption guaranteed and a new nationality to go with it.

“Because God knows! she NEEDS more kids.”

Marry a firang…

“Don’t lie. You know you want to!”

Get a green card for a non- ‘high risk’ country like the US. Then bail out on your home country and go get a visa for Britain. They’ll not charge you and you’ll have the husband/wife of your dreams. All is well that ends well. And there’s always the option of divorce after you’ve finished your little vacation in UK.

If all this is too much trouble for you, don’t panic. There’s still a last ditch attempt you can make if you really really want to see the Land of the Englishmen.

5. Rent a couple of KJo and Yashraj films (Preferably the ones with King Khan in the lead)-

“Main hoon na!”

You see, this is the brilliance of SRK. He KNEW this whole Bond fiasco would happen one day. So he meticulously planned all of his films to include every possible location of London and/or New York (and a few splashes of Switzerland). So whenever you want to see those places and can’t afford to, rent his films, sit back and enjoy. They whole country will flash before your screens in 3 hours flat. You get to see every place you wanted to go for a measly 10-20 bucks.

“Pictured above-Evil geniuses. All 3 of them.”