I am as fanatical about Bollywood as Baba Ramdev is about Yoga and Rakhi Sawant is about media attention. The glitter and glamour of the rich and famous is blinding. Love them or hate them, you cannot ignore them. But what gets me angry as Gabbar Singh is when these celebrities decide to dress up like a Sauteli Beti when they access to the coolest rags out there. Here’s my rant, Bollywood. It’s time to fire your stylist.
1. Gul Panag pulls a short dress. J/K.
I have some very poignant questions for Gul Panag –
- Can you breathe in that?
- Is that zipper functional or just ornamental?
- Your dress is short and then it angles into an even shorter hemline. (Okay, this is not a question but a very valid observation)
- Does the dress shrink into a t-shirt when you sit?
- Did you stand through the entire event?
- In those shoes?
- I’m not an expert at style and fashion but even an amateur like me can figure those shoes don’t exactly complement the dress. (Again, a VERY valid observation)
- Are you stupid?
- Is your stylist still on your payroll? If yes, refer previous question.
2. Would you like a cup of tea, Aishwarya?
So a couple of days back I log into Twitter to see all these so-called fashionistas taking a dig at the new and UNimproved thin mother, Aishwarya Rai Bachchan. And I see why. She turned up at the Royal Ascot as if to get a chance to pass on baby-tips to Kate Middleton. And then she bet more money on an injured horse than she did on Abhishek’s career. All while being dressed like a 15-year-old with unlimited access to daddy’s credit card.
What the hell is with British big shots and hats?! Is it supposed to fascinate the rest of us minions having to wear a comparatively naked head? Besides, it’s too matchy-matchy with her frock (yes, I’ll call it a frock.) I feel the flower is a little over-bearing (like her mother-in-law), why else would she be tilting her entire body to one side? The hat could as well house my Tata Sky dish.
3. Cannes you do it, Sonam? No you CAN’T!
I did a little background research and some designer Anamika Khanna made this “masterpiece”. I moaned and groaned and whined when I saw the thumbnail thinking the Sari was going to be bastardized yet again. And what a ‘kick in the crotch’ way to do it!
It’s a tail coat with a very long tail. It’s a TAIL COAT. OVER A SARI. It’s so crazy, its genius.
4. Expect the unexpected from Big B.
Uncle Amitabh, I respect you. I really do. I think you’re one of the most well-spoken and honourable men in our country. And if I praise you anymore I may as well start rooting for you to be the next Prime Minister. But really, sir, WHAT is that you’re wearing at the Cannes Film Festival? A bath robe too short to be worn inside the bathroom? Or maybe you just forgot to change after enjoying the long cozy Jacuzzi in your seven star accommodation? We demand an explanation!
5. I have long legs and I cannot lie – Deepika Padukone
I read in the news recently that Snow White has lost one of her dwarfs. Then I saw this picture of you and had a doubt you were smuggling him underneath those Black pants. Snow White will hold it against you, darling. Don’t do this to her. And don’t do this to those beautiful long legs. Not everyone is as gifted as you.
Or maybe you could just fire your stylist. You’re welcome.
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