Dear Manipal Akka,
I have had a terrific relationship with my fiancé for three years, so I am surprised and disgusted that he should be interested in listening to some woman at work, who, according to the way I see it, is interested in him.
I started hearing about this woman after a drunken night at one of their sports club dos. It was as if he couldn’t stop talking about her. Since then he brings home her name and her opinions too often for my tolerance.
He says that they have been co-workers for some time, but they didn’t talk to each other a lot until that night. He says she is a fascinating person to talk to and has become a friend.
Other people tell me that she seeks him out. I feel that she wants more than friendship. I am sure he knows that, but is playing dumb. He even said that she wanted to meet me. I think that’s a fence. The way he talks about her makes me think that he might even be attracted to her.
What I can’t understand is why he is allowing this woman to become so big in his life when he has a good relationship at home.
Worrying about what’s going on with them is making me miserable and affecting our relationship. I am not usually a jealous person, but I get strange feelings about this.
Should I deal with her, as he doesn’t seem to want to put a stop to their friendship?
Frustrated Fiancé
Dear F,
It’s common for men and women to be attracted to each others even when in committed relationships. It’s how you deal with that attraction that matters.
There’s also nothing incorrect about developing friendships with members of the opposite sex, but it’s important for people in committed relationships to set boundaries on close friendships.
There’s no evidence that your fiancé has been unfaithful. It appears that there is something about this woman which fascinates him.
You probably feel that their friendship is becoming a little bit too intimate for your comfort, and I can see how you could be annoyed to hear him go on about this woman so often.
Perhaps you are feeling a little insecure also. Tell your fiancé how you feel about this relationship. Point out that you feel that he might be a little naive as far as this co-worker is concerned. While he sees this as a harmless friendship, she might be pursuing something more intimate. Perhaps you should take up the invitation to meet her, and if necessary let her see how much you care for each other. That should serve as a warning to back off if she had any ill-conceived ideas.
Do not spend more time than is necessary protesting this situation, but make sure you invest time and energy to stop complacency creeping into your relationship.
Yours Truly
Manipal Akka
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