Sunlight on My Window

Today I woke up to the warm light of the sun gliding over the grills of my window. The buzzing of the fan with silence all around, and warmth for company. What a time it was! It wasn’t like the usual mornings shown in movies or described in books nor was it a beautiful sunset when the sun gently says goodbye. It was 3 o’clock in the afternoon, the sun drying the puddles on the road. It’s funny how this harsh sun seems friendly when just an hour ago I was cursing it with great vigour. Yesterday was a mess but today had been perfect. You might ask how? Well, let me tell you. It’s a kind of funny tale.

This began around a month ago. I made a friend, I’m not sure how though. We were just working, my girlfriends and I, when I first saw him. Is he a senior? A visitor? Or just a guest? My thoughts ran wild but it was still mild. I saw his camera and stupidly asked, ”Are you a senior here?”. To which he laughed and replied, “I’m your senior, just not from here.“ I looked around awkwardly.

My friends laughed. “He’s the head photographer of a club,” they said. I didn’t know which club. He wasn’t what you would call handsome but his laugh was real. So I laughed along. We all went to the mess and had dinner together. I was embarrassed for my earlier stumble. But the night was so sweet, so kind, and so fun. We all laughed, we played games, and dare I say, I made a new friend.

We exchanged numbers as people usually do. I had not thought we would speak again but the next morning itself my phone pinged, “Hi,” was what he sent. I replied, and he made a lame joke. I’m still not sure whether it was funny or not but it made me laugh. So began a slew of interactions that social media supports – chatting, talking, messaging, and calling became our daily dose. We did stupid things but we found joy in it. “Is he your boyfriend?” my friends asked, to which I always said, “Not at all, we are just good friends who found a similar soul.”

We met for breakfast, and dinners were with him. We talked about the stars, and life, and lollipops. We were smartly lame. If anyone heard us talking, they would roll with laughter. We would often join them. The time was great, the time was good. Sure there were problems but not within us. Some would say we are best friends. I assure you we’re not. We understand each other. We like each other. Mind you we’re just friends. It was weird, even to me, how well we gelled. We faced ups and downs and bullshitted our way through life. Long calls before sleep became our daily custom. We were both busy, we were both happy. We had such a good friendship.

I went on many dates but none seemed to last. I still remember us talking a few days ago about how shitty my date went. ”will I like someone decent?” was the burning question. It was a tiring day. We had been on our feet since 6 in the morning and now we got to relax. It suddenly struck me, I had never asked him about his love life. I teasingly said, ”Hey, what about you, do you like someone?” His cheeks turned pink, and he slowly smiled, ”Yes, I do.” “Who?” I asked. “I have been dating her for a month. I really like her,” he said. I was extremely happy. My boy was in love. It’s still a vivid memory: the celebration of the night, ghost wings, beer, and pasta which we had with great delight. Laughing, jumping, and teasing he dropped me back to my hostel, just how he did every day. I reached my room and sat down to write some stupid assignment. Something was wrong. I couldn’t write, I couldn’t see and my cheeks were suddenly wet. Tears dropped like diamonds and soaked the entire page. “Why am I crying? I don’t love him. He’s just a friend,” I told myself. I wept and screamed but no one came. Lucky me. This is not a one-sided love story. It’s a realisation. It’s a feeling that’s found in history, it’s a feeling that’s found in books. Your love is your partner and love takes different forms. The form mine took wasn’t so dreamy, people might not know about it.

He is my good friend, almost my best friend and maybe it is jealousy. I wanted to be selfish, didn’t want to share him. It’s not easy to get a friend like that, people don’t connect like that. He is my friend and I am his. Did we find something real? Is this the time to go with the flow, care no more and live life on your own terms, I found a soulmate. This isn’t a romance if that’s what you are expecting. We’re just friends. The perfect pair of friends, so close that it hurt my heart when he let someone in. So far that I didn’t care that he let someone in.

I’m still contemplating what word should i use – love sounds too much, friendship too little. It’s a crisis i’m facing. It’s a crisis I hope you face. We are beautiful but not great. It is not love, just friendship yet sounds like a relationship.

I’m pretty sure you’re confused. What did you just read? Was it a love story or was it just a joke? You might ask who I am. Well, let me answer that question. I’m just a girl who is walking beside you, maybe your classmate or someone unknown. But, I’m there and I’m writing this as the sun shines on the grills on my window.