Conan The Barbarian 2011 Review: 2 / 10

Conan The Barbarian


Conan The Barbarian

Synopsis: The tale of Conan the Cimmerian and his adventures across the continent of Hyboria on a quest to avenge the murder of his father and the slaughter of his village. IMDB

What’s Good: The relentless, gory violence that laces up the whole movie.  The scene with kid Conan wiping out a bunch of baddies.  That was the only part where I actually liked the play by Leo Howard.  Ron Perlman as Conan’s father was possibly the ONLY one that looked the part and acted it.  I honestly wish he was Conan. 

It is NOT a remake of the cult classic the REAL Conan The Barbarian 1982. It’s a pathetic attempt at a redoing. 

What’s Bad: I knew it would be bad.  The trailers had confirmed it.  What I hadn’t counted on was just how bad could it be.  I was about a millimeter close to giving it a 0 or a -ve score.  Had Ron Perlman and the fight scene with the kid not been there I would’ve put a -ve digit on the top.  Where do I start?  The 3D rendering is sub par.  The action sequences lack the raw feel that Conan is known for.  Should be known for.  There is no real plot as per say.  Just some random shots moving around in different directions all around the movie and lots of plastic swords being swung around.  

The dialogue…recall the first one..if not you need to watch it , it went like this:

Mongol General: Conan! What is best in life?

Conan: To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women.

In this pansy, barbie doll house, metro-sexual version of Conan we get: 

“This is something I must do alone.”

“I live, I love, I slay … and I am content.”

“They all tell me their secrets.” 

The plot has….wait what plot?  There is none.  No logic, no context, none of the actors are on the same page anywhere in the movie. 

The screenplay is there but there is absolutely nothing to hold on to.  Sinking in a river without a lifejacket to hold you up.  No passion.  Lifeless would be the best description of the actors.  

My biggest gripe again..all the 3D seems unnecessary.  The whole movie just seems made up by a bunch of engineers in the background, no artists.  That should explain a bunch of things.  The first movie had soul.  When the people were killed you felt it, over here it was like alright what happening now.  Nothing, no emotions. Rose McGowan was the absolute ridiculous Goth witch with an Electra Complex going on. Jason Momoa looks exactly like what he is, a Hawaiian boy without his shirt.  Ripped but eons away from what he was trying to replace. He seemed like Conan the Barbarian went to get a manicure, a pedicure, a facial and everything else at regular intervals.  There wasn’t a hint of barbarianism.  Not an iota. 

End Note: It’s not worth wasting your $$ on.  Actually save your mind from the torture, don’t watch this one at all.  If you have a choice between watching this and getting a tooth pulled out, get the tooth pulled. Less painful. 

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