The Inner Secrets of Satisfying Women this Valentine’s Day: A Manipal Monk Expose

I belong to a secret organization of men called Dreadful Amorous Men Monitoring Evil Dames (DAMMED).

It’s that time of year again—the ever dreadful Valentine‘s Day. Year after year of trying to get the right gift, men always find a way to foul things up. Let’s face it, men will never, ever get this Valentine‘s Craze right. Until now. I have secret information that has long been searched for by men throughout history.

Since the days of Adam and Eve, man has tried to figure out the opposite sex. For example, poor Adam went nuts trying to figure out why Eve traded life in paradise for a piece of fruit? I belong to a secret organization of men called Dreadful Amorous Men Monitoring Evil Dames (DAMMED).

We have spent millions of dollars on the latest computer technology trying to figure women out. Yet, we couldn’t come up with a thing. So we hired someone from the inside. Yes, we hired a woman to tell us about women. We can’t reveal her name because she’ll lose her PMS privileges if she’s discovered.

We discovered that women expect men to know about women’s wants and needs. However, women don’t tell men what it is they’re supposed to know. Then women get mad because we men don’t fully or even partly know what in Hades they want. And, just when men started to understand women, our inside source says that everything women used to want, they don’t want anymore. Remember how women would say they just wanted to be held; Nope, not any—more, that is part of the past.

Let me warn you, women are going to start a bigger than life campaign on something that starts with an “o” and ends with “ism” and there’s also an “r” and an “g” in there somewhere. Eehh, that darned “g” gives me the chills ever since they discovered that spot. I feel sorry for the future of man.

No more two-minute sessions in the bedroom. As I was told by our secret informant, women have feelings too. I just ask myself, since when? Valentine‘s Day is the time of the year when women test their men. Why? We didn’t do anything to deserve this. Hallmark has got a butt kicking coming to them for this Valentine‘s business.

At least men will be prepared this year. We have a list of what not to do this Valentine‘s Day.

1. Do not take diem to Dominos. I know, a Big Pizza sounds like a romantic meal to us guys, but women don’t think so.
2. Tattooing your significant other’s name on your butt is not exactly the ideal Valentines’ day present.
3. Don’t give them that brand new 10 speed electric saw that you saw on sale at the hardware store.
4. No last-minute, 99 cent presents.
5. Don’t give them the 10 day underwear, trust me. Come the tenth day it’s not a pretty sight and the smell is unbearable.
6. The “All I got you is this card and a lot of love,” card will not work. She already knows what you have a lot of, and it sure is not love.

Oh no! The women are on to me. They’re pounding on the door and trying to get in. I’m going to have to stop writing before they dismember me. Believe me, I still want my member. Just when I was about to tell the men of the world the secrets of the opposite sex, the women come knocking on the door.

Isn’t it just like a woman to mess up a good thing?


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