A Note On Family Dynamics

Disclaimer: I have nothing but utmost respect for parents and kids everywhere. As such I apologize if my work offends someone, trust me it isn’t meant to.

Ever wondered why there is so much variation from one family to another? When even in the same family one kid is an introvert and the other is an extrovert? Why one’s parents are considered cool while someone else are considered, don’t mind the expression, hardasses?


Honestly, there are a lot of factors that come to play in the complete answers to the above questions. And whatever you will come up with will probably make sense. But this article is about a factor that either goes unnoticed or is not completely understood. This one is about Family Dynamics.

Family dynamics constitute your entire relationship with your family. From when you were a kid till you become an old man, you’ll always contribute to your family’s dynamics.

Now, family dynamics isn’t a real term. I mean, it’s something that I came up with to describe what I want to convey and as such I can’t find a better way to do it than through examples. Or maybe it is, I just came up with it on my own.

I asked dad once to get me a syllabus book on his way back from the hospital. (he’s a doctor) As it were, he forgot. Tough day, bad mood, whatever. He forgot. Then when I asked him about it, he lashed out, and told me that I should do my own work. This was in when I was in 5th standard.

Now instead of chalking it up to bad mood, and just accepting the circumstances I thought ‘Why the hell not?’ And from then on, I really did do my own work.

Years later I again asked him get me a book on his way back from work. It ended with the same result. Only this time I realized that he wasn’t used to doing my work for me anymore. We both had trained each other. I trained him out of getting books and stationary for me.


Exhibit 2: My parents don’t really influence whom I date. In fact, I told them I was dating like it was a made decision. They said congrats. Literally. Along with something about abstinence that always makes thing awkward. Again, we both trained each other for it to be this way.

Also, I’ve realized over the years that asking for permission never works, while telling them that you’re going to do something almost always does.

These are my family dynamics. My parents brought me up, trained me, and in my own way, without realizing, I trained them.

With a different family dynamic, things would be different. Even something as little as how you greet your parents a certain way, or a girl is comfortable with dating or not. All family dynamics.

In fact, your parents are a certain way because of their family dynamics from when they were kids, and your present family dynamics. It’s all connected. One could say it’s like a chain reaction. But that would be a very crude way of putting it.


The often overlooked part is how the kid trains his/her parents. (No need to get offended, I don’t mean to disrespect anyone) The reason is that you don’t even realize you’re doing it.

I only figured it out through hindsight. And hindsight sees the farthest. It’s good to understand it when you’re a little bit mature. I mean c’mon, you’re 10 years old and you realize that long term you can, in a crude way, you can train your parents? That’s like finding kryptonite.

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