The 5 Break Ups: A tragi-comedy

All the events mentioned here have nothing to do with reality. I swear.

Break up 1:

Reason: She went for an ice cream with the captain of the school basketball team.

Okay. After 6 years I can realize how stupid that must have been. But the realization of the dystopia of your ‘first love’ isn’t easy. You have to cancel all the wedding plans that you had made up in your head. ‘Forever together’ changes to ‘Forever Alone’ within a matter of seconds. And all you can do is sob alone and burn pictures. You cannot share that with your parents because they would finally know the true reason behind the pathetic tuition attendance. All I could do was share that with a friend who just laughed until he had tears.

Break up 2:

Reason: She was a bitch.

This was the most violent break up of all. She was quite supportive and emotional in the beginning. And despite the numerous warnings issued by my friends I went ahead. Later all she would do is act like a typical TV soap girlfriend. Then came blackmailing and stalking me on Orkut (remember that?). All this ended with a shouting match on a playground. I wouldn’t go into the intricate details of how she tried to physically assault me. But I think she had some basic karate training.

Break up 3:

Reason: She fell in love with someone far more superior than me, you or anyone else: GOD

This was kind of creepy. Everything started smoothly and I was quite surprised that nothing went wrong for quite some time. But then there was a divine intervention, quite literally. She had joined some religious association who had brain washed her and turned her into a zombie who could bring more people to them. My GK about our religious texts increased substantially during the final months of the relationship. And I think this was the first and the last time when a girl smiled when we broke up. It was really scary.

Break up 4:

Reason: I WAS DATING A LOUDSPEAKER.

You know sometimes even the best of girls have a peculiar habit that makes you run for your life. Everything seemed perfectly well for the first few days. After a few dates we had nothing to talk about. So I cracked a joke to break the silence. She laughed. And that laughter still wakes me up sometimes in the middle of the night. HAHAHAHAHA. And the whole restaurant, including the staff, was looking at us. “THAT WAS SO FUNNY” she continued. I wanted to run away instantly but better sense prevailed and I changed the topic to child abuse. Everyone in that restaurant knows her views about child abuse.

Break up 5:

Reason: Realization

All the comedy that keeps happening over the years joins itself like a jigsaw puzzle and you see the real tragedy. And then comes the realization that you are too immature for anything even close to a true romantic relationship. And that’s when the fun part is no more a motivation. Looking at her snogging that hunk doesn’t make me feel sad. It just makes me feel like confronting her. But that would be pointless in the given circumstance. I walk back to my place, listen to a random song, text her goodnight and go to sleep, feeling like a true idiot.