The deal with the F word – an R Rated Rant

People aged 72 and above can read this by themselves, between the ages of 18 and 72 read it along with your guardian and folks below 18, get out of this blog.

My daughter started listening to English music last year after years of listening to Katrina Kaif featured songs. She chose Kate Perry, Demi Lovato, One Direction etc. Innocuous G-rated stuff. Growing up in the same household, my son has chosen Green Day as his favorite rock band and is walking around humming Boulevard of Broken Dreams, all of 7 years old. Unfortunately Green Day cannot sing much without using the F word, especially during the live performances. Why can’t f***ing people write, talk or sing f***ing anything without using the f***ing F word? Specially, the f***ing rock bands who become popular due to using the f***ing F word. I f***ing hate people who cannot f***ing communicate without using the f***ing expletives.

The F Word

Now the problem at hand with my son needs to be addressed. So I have decided that a new 4 letter word will be introduced into the English language. *uck is a word related to the act of sexual intercourse and that is why it is taboo and offensive. So I will introduce a brand new word which is ZUCK. Zuck is related to the act of brushing teeth.

Various uses of zuck as a substitute for various activities (inspired by OSHO)

Trouble – I guess I am zucked now (I guess I need to brush my teeth now, plaque is over grown)
Aggression – Zuck you (Go brush your teeth, your teeth are crooked)
Fraud – I got zucked at Hypermarket (At Hypermarket they forcefully made me brush my teeth)
Displeasure – What the zuck? (Why are you brushing your teeth now?)
Incompetence – He is a zuck-off (His parents never taught him how to brush his teeth – see he keeps his toothbrush still and moves his head side to side)
Enjoyment – I had a zucking good time (My teeth cannot stop shining)
Request – Get the zuck out of here (Can you please go to your bathroom and brush your teeth, not mine).
Hostility – I’m going to knock your zucking teeth off (The same teeth that you are brushing, I will knock them out).
Innovation – Get a bigger zucking hammer (Why do you have only 32 teeth, add more).

As you can see zuck is a very flexible word and can be used in a variety of situations. When the usage of zuck becomes popular, bands like Green Day will be zucked because no zucker on the face of this earth will buy their zucking records. And they will start using the word zuck instead. And my son will enjoy music without any censoring needed.

Good night. Go zuck!

About the Author: Ashwini Mathur is a resident of Hyderabad. In the past he has worked at GSK Pharmaceuticals as a Senior General Manager and at Novartis after that. He has a Master’s degree in Mathematics from IIT Delhi, a PhD in bio-statistics from University and College Berkeley, California and an executive MBA from IIM Bangalore.