It was a very, very long time ago, presumably, that the first debate over politics may have occurred in the prehistoric era. Historians often mull over the question of what were the actual arguments primitive cavemen had raised concerning their crudely-structured governments. I’m no historian but I have theorized a basic assumption of what may have been said at the first such debating session, matching political-minded cave dwellers in dispute. According to my irrefutable theory, what I am about to describe could well be true.
Before the initial proceedings commenced, the fur-clothed cavemen assembled inside a torch-lit cave and joined together in reciting. “Pledge allegiance to dinosaur skin of the disunited states of India, and to caves for which it stands, one nation under Rock, with liberty and plenty rocks for all.”
This pledge recital preceding any important event was obviously the proper thing to do, since the national anthem had yet to be written.
As expected, a particular caveman was appointed to take charge and keep order by pounding an official chairman’s hammer-like thing. And, of course, he started the unprecedented debate by saying, “This debate now come to order. Ugh. I am particular caveman appointed to take charge and keep order by pounding official hammer on unwise caveman who step out of line.”
“My job, naturally, to see both dissenting cave people and government cave people have chance to speak. But no rock-throwing or I use big, stone hammer-thing to clunk you on skull.”
Examining his schedule on carved stone tablets, he then said, “First caveman to speak is from Students for Progressive Democratic Caves.”
“Ugh. First I say no like imperialistic government send me to fight mean dinosaurs in Demilitarized Cave. Is wrong! Is immoral! Is awful damn scary! Ugh. And no like to serve against my will in United Progressive Cave Army where cruel generals from rich Brahmin caves hate us poor folk from darker non-Brahmin caves. No fun peel potato and no fun clean dirty cesspools, ugh, damn, holes in ground!
“Not only that,” he resumed, I hate Gandhi ex-Number One Caveman. Ugh! And no like Manmohan Number One Caveman now. They both lose hair like Digbijay new-and-used cave dealer.”
“Now say United Caves is dirty corrupt government, is brutal oppressor of primitive cave people, is very stinky like dinosaur manure! Cave dwellers hate every establishment pig, or is you prefer, establishment pig-osaurus. That all I got to say.”
“Ugh,” the chairman said. “Next to speak is honorable Number Two Cave Man.”
“Never cave people had it so good with many basic freedoms guaranteed in Constitution’s Bill of Rocks. Not our fault young impertinent cave dweller so illiterate. Break rules and they get punishment stated in Law 85493, Code 259, Ordinance 6662, Section 19. Paragraph 2, Line 5 in Cave Man’s Handbook.
Even defecting traitor like him get punished fair because our government has heart and offer three choice—either cave with poison gas, rope around tree, or quicksand pit. That is true justice. In other words, you prehistoric rabble-rouser, what’s your beef?”
“Anymore to speak?” asked the cave man in charge. “Ugh. Now great leader from Natural Deathly Alliance caves of west speak.”
“Ugh. Want save all world’s little caves from Imminent destruction! Talking about brotherly love and super-duper peace! So I write monumental book,” he carefully explained, “to preach many good things in life! Book titled ‘Hundred Ways to Murder People not tuned to you.’ Is bible for young peace-loving cave people!”
“What book about?”
“Book about 200 stone tablets.”
“No, I mean, what story about?”
“Story about Lone Cave Man and faithful companion Adavanti LK who friendly but not get along. Travel on chariots with all the cave horses and all the cave men who couldn’t put Humpty’s cave together again. Lone Cave Man go crazy and kill peoples in 100 ways!
“Book only cost a mere five sand pebbles no tax! Book electrifying masterpiece of violence and blood—well-seasoned, provocative, but are you old enough for plenty hanky-panky In book? And remember, book strongly emphasize peace and brotherly love between cave man . . . and (snicker, snicker) other cave man!”
This is purely a piece of fiction and any relation to living or dead persons is purely incidental. So help me God!